We Are Expecting

So, I guess this is my first posting after I got married back on the early of January this year. It’s not that married life is not so exciting so I stopped writing for awhile. But there were so many changes happen in my life that it’s sometimes hard for me to manage myself (not manage the time, because really, I have plenty of them) to be adjusted to this much slower pace of life.

And a few days ago, on November 7^th 2011 we went to visit the midwife and was being confirmed by her that a baby is on her way. She was 5 weeks and 3 days old, growing in my belly.

It feels like a dream, really. Not those flowery dreams you have in those falling-in-love moments. No, it feels like a dream because everything seems so new and yes, I am an old girl who always has some problems in grasping the reality. I often asked my husband, “Is this real, that we’re married?” And he would hug me and said, “Yes this is real, sweetheart, you’re mine now.” And now I ask more questions, “Am I really pregnant of your baby? Baby of the man I always tried to avoid?” Giggling in his arms, feeling like I’m being in the middle of new things, and wondering where those dark times went - when the uncertainty felt like a solid and endless reality.

And now, God has given us one more of His endless grace – we are expecting. I can’t stop myself from thinking, ‘do I really deserve this?’ Because all of my life, I have struggled to follow Him, and most of the times, I have made Him cry…

I have seen a lot of family and friend who struggle in their prayers for having children… and in fear I really ask my God, do I really deserve this grace that He’s been so kindly giving us today. And just like our love story, where God amazingly has led us to meet again after being separated for so long… this too, if you asked me, I will surely answer this too has been done only by His Grace.

And sometimes I do feel worry about being expecting when I’m no longer so young, with a quite long health history. And thinking that I would give birth here, so far from my family and friends where the health system is quite different with we have in Asia… sometimes I really wonder how we can get it through. But again I would answer myself, those things will be done, by His Grace alone.

I guess that's why they say "we're expecting" because every pregnant mother is actually expecting God's grace every single day until the baby is born.

We are expecting. That’s our good news. And it is God’s grace alone that we are expecting to fill our life every day. That’s our ground for hope.

I'm Learning - And Still Learning

These things I listed to learn was posted on the door of my bedroom - back to my college days many years ago. Too bad I didn't put any date, so I'm not sure how old is the list... could it be like 13 years ago? *I think there's something special about 13 years :) Or maybe eleven or ten years ago...

Anyway, looking at the list, I realized these 33 (plus one) things I listed down there were my weakest points - even now, I'm still struggling in each day to reach them. But yes, I'm also grateful that in these past ten years where the glory of those years was the tears of hardship in being reformed by God, I might rejoice that God has been faithful and never gave up in His way to shape me into what I am today.
I'm glad my Dad found the list and I'm glad I had used present continues tense in writing the title of the list... it means, yes, I'm learning, I'm still learning. And may God help me.

I’m learning:

1. To devote all of my life, heart, soul, and energy to love God and serve Him for all my life!
2. Not to go angry easily
3. To love and serve others – love never fails!
4. Not to cry for myself
5. To give with a big smile and never calculate it
6. To be humble
7. To stay holy
8. To listen to someone
9. To keep silent
10. To read the Bible
11. Not to judge people from their outer look/attitude
12. To forgive and forget
13. To be loyal
14. Not to be afraid in doing my homework
15. To be committed in my commitment
16. To remember someone’s birthday
17. To smile to everyone
18. Not to feel pity of myself
19. To be strong although alone
20. To bless rather than curse
21. To use my time efficiently
22. Never break my promise
23. To pray for others everyday
24. To say thanks!
25. To greet people I meet
26. To believe: there’s true love – I shall not give up!
27. Not to say bad things about others
28. To say NO!
29. Not to give up easily
30. To work out on my track everyday
31. To accept myself
32. Not to eat too much
33. To read good books instead of daydreaming

TO LIVE MY DREAMS!

“Shall I not judge people when they’re doing something wrong; for I’m not perfect, and still learning!”

Bring Me, Diamond and Roses

There are two beautiful things I received in my engagement day. The first one is a dozen of gorgeous red roses from my sister in law. The second thing is a beautiful diamond ring from my beloved fiancé. Now a week has passed since the big day, and the roses have started to wither and while solitaire ring is safely kept in its box.

I walked passed the living room this afternoon and watched the roses for awhile. Some of them had been put aside by my Mom. The good ones were still in the vase, stand there all by themselves while most of us stay at other rooms of the house. My father spends his time in front of his computer, my Mom would go busily here and there and rests in her bedroom, and me, of course, aside from doing the household chores now and then, I stay in my bedroom. As I passed and lightly touched the roses and admired their beauty, I realized how rarely I spent my times in the past week to take a good look at them and enjoy this beautiful rare sight (not every day fresh roses are available in my house :P)

Then I remembered my diamond ring – which is too stunning to be used while washing the dishes and too pickpocket-attractive to use in the harsh atmosphere of public transportation in Jakarta. A week has gone after the engagement day and the ring has been there, in my room – safely and almost untouched.

Two dashing items that have marked my big day have also been left untouched, unused, unenjoyed (if such a word existed). Did you see how sad it is? While sometimes we (women, mostly) put a lot of attention and hopes in physical things, we actually can’t enjoy them simultaneously in most of the times. We sometimes think that those things are important – sometimes so important so we depend our happiness on them. Diamond and roses, who doesn’t want them? But could they really satisfy our need? Could they really bring joy and peace in our hearts?

I received two beautiful things in my engagement day. But the most beautiful and the most important thing ever is I’m blessed to have my beloved man beside me on that day, and there he will be forever. It’s not the roses or the diamond that made my day that time. It’s God’s blessing in His chosen son, in the love and supports from our parents, families and relatives, and friends, in the warmth of our hopes for the future and our promise to fight together.

I might need this as a reminder sometimes – perhaps when things get tough and hopes seem to fail us down… that the most important things are not the ones we can see with our eyes, but what we can feel in our heart. It’s not the physical and material things we must pursue in life, because sometimes we don’t even have time or chance to enjoy them all… but it’s God and His grace, I want to enjoy with my beloved man, forever this time.

All by His grace, all for His glory.

Am I Good Enough for You?

I must have been a pathetic woman. I was once being upset to my sister because she said I was pathetic (in my love life to be precised), and here I am, couldn’t agree more, I am pathetic.

I’ve spent two days lying on my bed trying to calm down my nerves stomach due to so many activities in the past week. And just when I felt better (finally), half portion of oatmeal porridge and some mixed feelings had successfully sent me to another session of nausea. Gee… perut karet mental tempe! Sungguh gadis yang lemah!

Sigh.

So I’m writing here trying to balance my emotion (and hopefully can calm down my irritating stomach), and somewhat trying to practice my English since I’m starting to lose my every English vocab since I started my Dutch lessons. Sigh. I hate to admit that I’m sad. But I am. I am sad. Sad. Sad. Sad.

Sigh.

I was told before, that somehow there’s a possibility that I might be not strong enough to pass the test- just like the others have failed before. And tonight I was told once more. And somehow, as it had in so many times before, that question, the doubt, the query, squeezed my guts and left me questioning myself, am I strong enough? Am I good enough?

I’ve asked the same questions for years. For so many persons. And people came by and went away… leaving me with a belief that maybe, maybe it’s true, I’m just not good enough for them. Even for my closest persons. I fight the feelings too often, trying to prove that I’m strong, and won’t let them down. That I can make them proud. That I won’t fall down again. But yet, sometimes they still question me, will I be strong enough? Am I good enough?

Is there a way to be a perfect woman? A strong woman my Mom can be proud about? A good woman my man will fight for? Me? Being strong? With this perut karet and my mental tempe?

Can a full-moon and being in PMS justify my melancholy feeling tonight?

Would I someday be strong enough to promise someone this song, or be good enough to receive such a promise?

Am I good enough, for you?

Sigh.

Facing the Giants

God, I want to ask You, WHY?
But I know it’s an unfaithful question
So now I come to ask You, WHAT?
And please tell me, HOW?
So I can understand Your will,
And not questioning Your love
And in between I know how to please Your heart.

Please tell me, God
Because I’m dreadfully scared
As I’m facing the giants now

Please give me a heart
That trusts You
When You ask me to hold still and obey You
And when You ask me to go forth

And if this hardship shall come, o Lord
Let me admit in front of You
That I’m weak and there’s nothing I can do

But help me, O Lord,
Because You are God
So I can see that in Your Name
I’m enabled to conquer the giants
To defeat my fear in Your command
I’d be able to hold still
And in Your word, I’m able to go forth

So help me, O Lord
With Your strong hands
To do what Your child must do
To hope in Your love and in Your faithfulness
So people might see
When I’m weak
My God is strong
And when I feel defeated
My God is my shield, and my victory

So this is my prayer, o God
When I’m facing these giants
Make me one small stone
To be used in Your great Hands

So in my life
It’s Your name alone I will praise
Because You alone o Lord
Is my strength and my portion

13 Years Apart and 35 Emails Later

There are things in life fear me. Some of them are silly things like going to the bank (and the must to talk to the teller) or asking for a replacement when I realize I have bought a dress with a wrong size. Other things are important like failing before God, losing my beloved ones, and trusting my heart to someone.

I’m not a typical-everyday coward. My friend said I’m complicated. But aren’t we all? We are all brave and scared in the same time. I’ve been very scared for trivial things like being face to face with some frogs at a dark pedestrian way in the wet night of Singapore. But I’ve been brave enough to leave everything behind and going forward to something I had not known when I left my country four years ago (well, at least I feel that it’s a brave thing to do for someone like me).

Now, thirteen years after I ran away; and thirty five emails of getting to know each other again, with a different start, with a brand new beginning… I have said yes to one of the most important matter I have to decide in my life.

He said he fell for the twinkles in my eyes, and the old flame has begun to burn again.
I said (no, I have not told him this) I was caught by his smile, and my heart melt for his kind words.

So here I am now, gazing out of the window, looking at the sparkles of evening light of Singapore as my plane landed. I must admit (as I have told him), I do feel scared. And in the same time, I know I’ll have the strength.

He said, this thing has given me a different perspective about life.
I said, it gives us some new meaning and target in life.

He said, it feels strange isn't it? After all these times and now I'm with you.
I said, it feels too good to be true.
He said, why, you look so scared.
I said, I do feel scared – of missing you.
So we parted our ways once more this time. Back to the reality of life. Where hundred of days and thousand of miles are keeping us apart.

As I walk back to my Monday; feeling as uncertain as ever yet sure that we’ll be okay, I know this time I would be brave enough, as I’ve heard the voice strengthened me earlier that day,

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27

As I close my eyes and say my goodnight, I say my prayer and whisper to the wind,

With you my love, I’m willing to walk this road. Knowing with God, we will never walk alone.

Hang On, Be Strong!

The Bible reading in the Sunday service yesterday was taken from Psalm 18.

Psalm 18:28-36 (NKJV)

28 For You will light my lamp;
The LORD my God will enlighten my darkness.
29 For by You I can run against a troop,
By my God I can leap over a wall.
30 As for God, His way is perfect;
The word of the LORD is proven;
He is a shield to all who trust in Him.

31 For who is God, except the LORD?
And who is a rock, except our God?
32 It is God who arms me with strength,
And makes my way perfect.
33 He makes my feet like the feet of deer,
And sets me on my high places.
34 He teaches my hands to make war,
So that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

35 You have also given me the shield of Your salvation;
Your right hand has held me up,
Your gentleness has made me great.
36 You enlarged my path under me,
So my feet did not slip.

On the same day, Chambers said in my devotional reading, “Jesus is not just beginning to save us— He has already saved us completely. It is an accomplished fact, and it is an insult to Him for us to ask Him to do what He has already done.”

“I can only be right with God if I accept the atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ as an absolute gift. Am I humble enough to accept it? I have to surrender all my rights and demands, and cease from every self-effort. “

I know that Chambers was talking about the saving grace. Jesus’ work in saving us is a complete mission; it’s an insult to Him if we ask Him to do something He has already done.

When my heart grows weary, and I can’t seem to stop crying, I was reminded that I’m actually insulting God to feel this way. His work in Christ is complete – He has already saved us completely. I know it’s the saving grace Chambers talked about. But what about my worries? If God has saved me from eternal death, wouldn’t He save me from other things too? What kind of burden, struggle, fear, that would go beyond having eternal separation with God? And if God has done His work to make sure I’m forever with Him, what other things should worry me? It’s an insult to Him if we ask Him to do something He has already done. It’s an insult to Him when I keep using my self-effort and don’t lower down myself in humbleness, confessing that He alone is my Savior in all my troubles.

The Lord will light my darkness,
By Him alone, I will be able to leap over this wall
His way is perfect, for He alone is God,
His promises are proven – I don’t need to have any doubt
He is my Shield, my Rock, my Strength,
And in Him alone,
I would put my trust.
This road is not easy to tread,
But I trust in Him
And He makes my way perfect.

He has given me the shield of His salvation;
His right hand has held me up,
His gentleness has made me great.

So I will sing the song we sang at the end of service yesterday… when I can’t see anything but darkness and my world seems to falling down, I will keep trusting in God, who will light my darkness, who will make me able to leap over this wall.

O Thou God of all, hear us when we call,
Help us one and all by Thy grace;
When the battle’s done, and the vict’ry’s won,
May we wear the crown before Thy face.

Rouse, then, soldiers, rally round the banner,
Ready, steady, pass the word along;
Onward, forward, shout aloud, “Hosanna!”
Christ is Captain of the mighty throng.

31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? Romans 8:31-32 (NKJV)